to the Fall 2006 Edition of your two-time defending Studio Division champs:

Awesome Helicopter Ninjas: Max Fischer Players



The plan is for the team to play in red berets, thick glasses, and blue blazers. Needless to say, this theme opens up all kinds of incredible shenanigans.

Expect a box of bees to be placed in someone's dugout by Week 2.

And of course, this means that your Awesome Helicopter Ninjas: Scary Ghost Edition memorabilla is now out of date. Make sure you visit the Awesome Helicopter Ninjas team store for your officially licensed, limited-edition Max Fischer Players apparel. Look for a brick and mortar store to be opening at Staples Center sometime soon.

Your Spring 2006 Playoff Recap

The season is over. The champion is crowned. As last season’s titleholders, I would like to publicly take this opportunity to congratulatethe Spring 2006 CA Studio kickball champs.

Oh right, that’s us…

BOOYAH! The semifinals and finals were last night, and we took both games to successfully defend our championship. To put this in historical perspective:

- We’re the first team in the Division to win multiple Division Titles.

- We’re the only team in any of the Southern California divisions to win back-to-back titles.

- We’ve qualified for the next World Kickball Championships, which is great because they are apparently going to be held somewhere in California.

- My own personal record in playoff games with AHN: 6-0 (I missed our playoff loss first season).

A recap of the two weeks of playoff magic shall begin:

QUARTERFINALS (Last Monday):

AHN: SGE 11, Trey Stafford Explosion 1

There really wasn’t much to report on this game. The only real drama is whether or not Trey Stafford himself would accept Michael’s Board Game Challenge. Trey managed to blow his knee out on the second play of the season, and has been forced to be Mascot/Lead Heckler for his team ever since.

Michael (also on IR) decided to challenge Trey to a series of board games to be played during the game. Partially it was a way to question Trey’s competitiveness, and partially it was so we wouldn’t have to hear him heckling.

Trey refused to take the bait, much to our chagrin. Michael even went so far as to create advertising and everything…

Like I said, the game was pretty boring – we beat them 11-0 in the regular season, and this was pretty much that game played all over again. I was a little concerned that the team might be lackadaisical because of our past history, but we came out sharp, focused, and other adjectives describing being “on point”.

LAST NIGHT:

SEMIFINALS:

AHN: SGE 2, Redrum United Kickball Club 1 (6)

This is the game we were waiting for. The chance to beat Redrum for the third straight game and knock them out of the playoffs again was in front of us. Plus, the majority of Redrum have apparently decided not to play next season (I don’t know why), meaning that this was our chance to send them into retirement with a loss to us.

I should point out a few things I did before/during the game.

- I bought white wristbands, and wrote on them with black marker. “Die” on one and “Nasty” on the other. They work as standalone messages, or say them both aloud in a row to reveal a secret, encoded message.

- I also found some spare name tags in my bag, and decided to put them to good use:

One was for use against Redrum, the other was for the championship game. I’ll let you figure out which was which.

- I also purchased a red “Participation” ribbon, like you used to get when you didn’t place in the Science Fair but your teacher wanted everyone to feel special because they tried real hard. My plan was to present this to Redrum when we met on the field before the game, and explain that “I know you guys have never won a championship ring (pointing to my ring), and unfortunately you won’t this season, either. So, I wanted you to have something to remember how hard you tried this year!”

Scott objected to doing this. Something about “jinxing ourselves”. Mainly, Scott was just very, very nervous, more so than he usually is. And he’s a very nervous person by nature. On the scale of nervousness, Scott was somewhere between “Realizing you need to go to the bathroom RIGHT NOW when there’s no gas stations for 20 miles” and Albert Brooks filling in as anchor from “Broadcast News”. I know that Scott would say that winning and losing isn’t important to him, but that tends to go out the window when the game starts.

(I should point out that Scott did produce two great signs for the games: one said “One for the Middle Finger”, and featured a giant hand in flip off mode, with a ring around the middle finger. The other was, well, I really can’t say what it was about in a public forum. Suffice it to say it’s
disgusting, cryptic and wonderful. Kind of like us.)

You might notice on the game score the (6). That’s because in the playoffs, you go extra innings if there’s a tie. Redrum went up 1-0 early, but we were able to tie it up in the fifth inning, and then Scott turned a single into the go-ahead run in the sixth by basically running and not stopping until he got home. It was great.

I can’t tell you why beating Redrum is always satisfying, other than that it always is. Basically, they have a real cocky swagger to them, which is funny since they’ve never actually won a championship. They are the team that takes things just a little too seriously, and probably would turn pro if there was such a thing. (Someone with money: make this happen.) Someone mentioned that they seem to have a lot of people who “peaked at 17”, as in they were the cool kids/jocks/etc. in high school, and now it’s 10 years later and they still can’t get over it. So, the fact that the team of A/V nerds (us) keeps beating them is a cake filled with delicious irony. I should point out that the four people from Redrum who actually come to the bar if they lose are top-shelf people and are exempt from the previous rant.

(However, two of their players wear football receiver’s gloves in the outfield. For kickball. Because that’s the difference between making a catch or not…)

FINAL:

AHN: SGE 9, Uno Mas 7

Yes, you read that right – 16 runs between the two teams.

And, Uno Mas defeated the Valley Girls (the No. 1 seed) in the semifinals. Which made us all happy to no end because a) we love Uno Mas (they are the most fun at the bar, our practice partners and all-around good people) and b) the Valley Girls needed a big bite of humble pie. I was playing poker on Saturday with Tyler, one of their captains (and a really good guy, BTW). He mentioned to me that they weren’t that concerned about Uno Mas because “they don’t score
enough runs to win”. I just shook my head – I knew they were overlooking them and they would get burned.

It was the most fun playoff game I’ve ever played in. I didn’t feel a lot of pressure to win, because I would have been very happy if Uno Mas would have won. And the game was high-scoring, but not because of errors – there were just a lot of good kicks placed in perfect spots.

(I did give the participation ribbon and speech to Uno Mas before the game. However, since they are cool and have actually senses of humor, it was taken in the proper spirit instead of met with tough looks of “intimidation”, as other teams might have done.)

And it was a back and forth game. We went up 4-0 in the first inning, and it looked like it was going to be a rout. But Uno Mas came back to tie it, and it was on from there. There were four lead changes during the game – we happened to do it last by scoring three times in the bottom of the fourth innings. And Uno Mas managed to load the bases in the fifth inning with one out before we were able to get a pop up and a ground out to end it.

The celebration after the final out was interesting. I personally was excited, but it was a different feeling than before. Maybe it was the fact that we beat a team we really like. Maybe it was that we did it again. Maybe it was because, for personal reasons, I couldn’t get as excited as
I might have otherwise, but it was more a feeling of relief than elation.

This feeling lasted for about five or ten seconds. Then the smoke bombs came out, followed by much running around topless, posing for pictures, and generally make asses of ourselves. Even today after a long shower, I still smell like a Chinese fireworks factory (burnt gun powder, dirt and sweat). We weren’t able to get to the bar until 10:30 or so, but we made the
most of the time we had there.

Personally, I was happy with how I played. I went 2-2 in the championship game (with two runs scored and two RKI) after going 0-2 against Redrum. I had some very good defensive plays, including turning a double play on a popped-up bunt in the first innings against Uno Mas. Even though I did throw one ball away that cost us two runs. But I did hump home plate when I scored the second time, so that pretty much trumps anything else that happened.

So, in summary, I love kickball. I’m glad to have something to do once a week that gets my mind off of everything else that I’m going through. I’ve made some great friends already, and each season brings a new group of friends.

And we pretty much kick all kinds of ass, which is good because while I don’t need to win at all costs, winning is more fun than losing.

(Also, fireworks are awesome.)

End of the regular season

We lost. The end.

OK, not really, although it was a particularly crushing defeat. We lost to the "hated" Valley Girls 4-3, with the winner (i.e. not us) taking the regular season pennant and the loser (you know who) relegated to third place. It was especially tough because we gave up two runs in the fifth (final) inning to lose the game, when a couple of our players (I not going to name any names) committed about 12 errors between the two of them in the inning. We need to learn about the whole concept of Risk/Reward. As in, don't throw the ball to try and get someone out at third if there's a 90 percent chance that the ball will instead go flying into the outfield, letting them score the winning run. As a hypothetical example.

Also, one of the Valley Girls players (female, has called or team a Mafia that controls the Division and manipulates the rules in our direction) actually pulled her hand away from me in the post-game high-five line. As in, "high-fiving everyone else, but making a point to pull her hand away from me to move on to the person behind me when we get to each other." Really? Doing that at your age? At least she didn't pull her hand away and then run her fingers through her hair.

I really can't be that upset about the game; two of our best players (Scott J. and Bill) were out, so that's probably a 2-3 run swing right there. We still finished 6-2 and in third place, versus sixth last regular season. So, by my calculations, we should win two championships this playoff season, since we're twice as good. Or something like that.

And at least we're not the Pregnant Cheerleaders, who managed to lose to Redrum 32-1.

Seriously. 32-1. And that's not a typo. And before you ask, yes, there is a 12-run mercy rule, but the Cheerleaders chose to waive it. I can't imagine how much of a masochist you would have to be to be willing to keep getting beat like that.

Shenanigans topped?

We've been low on shenanigans this season. Meanwhile, Trey Stafford of The Trey Stafford Explosion found poetry written by the star player of the Valley Girls last week, and read it to him from behind the backstop as he kicked.

He went 0-for-2.

Although the TSE lost 5-1, they still get a gold star from us for their hijinx.

Regular season title on the line this week

Sorry that the updates have basically...stopped. Those of you who know why this happened understand, and that's all I'm going to say about that.

Since we last left...we've won three games. Most importantly, we beat Redrum in the Title Game rematch 3-2 last week to get back to first place in the standings. The best part was that we were able to score twice in the fifth inning to come from behind. Redrum basically thought they had the game won, only to have us break their hearts in a new, exciting way. Needless to say, we're so far up in Redrum's head, we're not only making breakfast, we're making them wash the dishes afterwards.

Redrum managed to have three (three!) people show up to the bar after the game, when they usually get about 12-15 players after a win. Glad to see that they take losses in stride.

Our win last night was a completely uninspiring 5-2 win over The Rhino Stampede. It's starting to worry me that I feel nervous after a three-run victory, and I know exactly how cocky this is going to sound, but...we played terrible, and we should have beaten them (they are 0-6-1 this season) by a lot more.

We play The Valley Girls this Monday in the regular-season finale. The winner is the regular season champion and the No. 1 seed in the tournament, while the loser probably falls down to the No. 3 seed. If we play like we did against Rhino Stampede, we're going to get thumped, AND we're going to get run out of the playoffs in the first round.

Oh yeah, and I'm captain next week because Scott is in Kansas City for his sister's art exhibition. Which at least means one week without someone getting teabagged at the bar. Or on the field. Or in the parking lot. Etc., etc., etc.

Post-game press conference - vs. Pregnant Cheerleaders

In case you missed it, here are highlights from Ninjas coach Scott Jones' press conference following Monday night's game against the Pregnant Cheerleaders:

A painful victory

The good news: We beat the Pregnant Cheerleaders 12-0.

The bad news: Michael broke his ankle in the second inning and is out for the rest of the season. Mr. "More Heart Than Brains or Sliding Ability" decided to slide into third base in an attempt to beat a throw that wound up beating him by about two or three steps. Actually, it beat his foot by a few more steps, as that stuck in the ground as the rest of him kept moving forward.

The ump said that he "could hear something pop" from home plate.

The best part is that Scott and I were coaching the previous kicker on first base when everyone started heading over to third once they realized Michael was hurt. The home plate ump told Scott that "we need you help because one of your players is hurt". Scott's response? "I'm not a doctor..."

On a personal note: The worst individual game I've played in some time. I went 0-2, including popping out to god damned Shirley to end the first inning. I'm not kidding that this might have been the first out she's ever recorded in a game. It's like having a two-year old steal a basketball from you.

Game Day: Week 4

We play the Pregnant Cheerleaders tonight. They're a nice group of people, albeit a bunch of dorks. And not dorks in the "using an excessive amount of smoke bombs and shooting model rockets into the trees" type. Apparently, at one of their practices, they did "trust falls" to establish team unity. So, more of the "never got over being a camp counselor" kind of dork.

They were the worst team in the Division last season, including losing 13-1 to us last season. They won their first two games this season, which caused them to suddenly get a little cocky and smirky at the bar. Which is interesting since both teams they beat were playing their first-ever game of kickball. Needless to say, they lost their last game to one of the new teams (The Bookhouse Boys), who at least had a couple of games under their belt.

I want to score 20 runs against them. Seriously. Nothing against them, but I want to really send a message tonight. Kill. Crush. Destroy.

The latest team project? Do you remember how sports teams all seemed to have their own music videos back in the 1980s? Some, like the Super Bowl Shuffle, were supposed to be by the team, talking about how good they are. The other kind was a music video of the team's official theme song, complete with a cheesy 1980s rock song that was usually "Go TEAM NAME, Go!", interspersed with highlights of the team on the field, acting goofy off the field, and the occassional cameo by a celebrity fan. The perfect example would be the 1986 Mets' theme song "Let's Go Mets". So much 80s cheese in there, it's amazing.

So, I discussed this with Scott and Ashley, and we're going to do this for the Ninjas. I'm going to work on a song this week, and hopefully we can get Behn (our videographer) to help us shoot some additional footage to go with our already existing game footage. Expect awesomeness to ensue.

Am I a jerky jerk?

I pitched one inning during the game. It was the fourth inning, and we were up 10-2. With one out, one of their female kickers came up. She looked at two pitches over the plate for strikes, and then one ball way outside. I then threw kind of an overarm pitch that breaks left-to-right instead of right-to-left that, if you've never seen it before, doesn't look like it has a chance to curving into the strike zone until it skips across at the tail end. She stood there and watched it go by for strike three.

The question is: should I have thrown that pitch, knowing that there was a good chance she would strike out? Being up 10-2, should I have just thrown normal pitches over the plate and given her a chance to kick? My feeling is no: the only way they are going to learn is by failing, and the lesson there is to a) not let two kickable balls go first and b) you have to try and kick it if it's close with two strikes.

Also, does this mean that I'm going to be a "tough love" kind of Dad? Like, "the only way Figgy will learn to not jam something into the electrical socket is to do it once."

Game 3 recap

We played Legs of Fury, which is another of the new teams. We scored 7 runs in the first inning and that was pretty much that. Final score, Ninjas win 12-2.

Perhaps the most remarkable event of the evening was the continuing transformation of Scott Jones from wacky coach to motivational, hard-ass, Bill Parcells-type head coach. I mean, one of our players kicked a fly ball that was misplayed by the outfield into a home run to make the score 10-2, and Scott was complaining about it, because we stress kicking ground balls with no runners on base, and the fly ball should have been caught.

And you know what? Scott's absolutely right to do this. We've played three games this season - one game against a veteran team that we lost, and then two against new teams that we won in blow-outs. And frankly, those wins don't count for much. As far as I'm concerned, it's almost like there are two Divisions taking place at the same time. One four-team Division for the good, returning teams (us, Redrum, Valley Girls and Uno Mas) and one five-team Division for everyone else (the four new teams plus the Pregnant Cheerleaders, who are great people, but aren't in the same league as the other returning teams.) Playing these new, weaker teams is only going to reinforce bad habits (going for home runs instead of just worrying about getting on base being a big concern) that is going to come back to haunt us when we play a good team at some point. Those fly ball home runs we kicked last night are only loud outs against teams like Redrum.

In fact, I'm making a prediction that we lose to Redrum in the regular season when we play them next month, based on our schedule. We'll have played two (what should be) easy games, and have had a bye week right before it. Maybe I'm wrong, but I see us hitting a lot of fly ball outs in that game, and being surprised that they can catch everything. I'd like to be wrong about this, though.

On a more fun note, Michael and I umped the early game. Michael brought yellow and red cards (actually yellow and pink index cards) that we issued to players for made up infractions during the game. We also ended up giving each other red cards while umping, which was nice.

One factoid from Monday night's game

I currently lead the league in number of times humping home plate when scoring, at 1.

I was on third base, and Ashley was on first. Tyler kicked a fly ball over the left fielder's head that wound up going for a triple. I jogged home, and then realized that I had plenty of time before Ashley was going to make it home (not that she's slow, just that I had a two-base head start). So, I did what any sane person would do: dropped on the ground and began humping home plate.

I don't consider this "showing up the other team", since it wasn't like I was doing anything directed against them. I was merely showing my enthusiasm and excitement over scoring.

By humping home plate.

Also, odds of me becoming the most hated man in the Division by the end of the season: now up to 8:1.

Finally a win...

We took an "easy" 7-1 victory over the Trey Stafford Explosion last night. I say "easy" because we were only up 2-1 before we scored five times in the bottom of the fourth inning to break the game open. I pitched the first two innings and the final inning - which I haven't been doing lately. But thanks to some advanced scouting, we had a good idea that they wouldn't be bunting a lot, and that my curve ball pitches would cause them a lot of headaches.

We played a lot better, overall, and I was happy to have an outlet for my anger after the US National team absolutely piled it in against the Czechs.

I think I'm going to hop on a motorocycle without a license or a helmet and plow into a Lincoln...

The Trey Stafford Explosion

They are one of the new teams in the Division, and they think they're pretty awesome. They have their own logo and MySpace and everything. And, they claim that they are going to "outshenanigan" us this season. We play them tonight, and we're taking it as a personal mission to out-everything them. Also, the US choked against the Czech Republic, so I'm extra bitter with a side of pissed off.

My prediction for tonight's game? A whole lotta this:



And by that, I mean "a whole lot of oral sex performed on ninja dolls by flaming, disembodied heads". Oh yeah!

Practice

I've been slacking off on coming to practice the last few weeks. Mainly it's been because I've been either sick or out of town. I'm definitely going to be there this week, and I certainly hope that after our poor display on Monday, any teammates reading this come out as well.

3 p.m at the North Hollywood Rec Center. We'll scrimmage, and go over kicking, fielding and running. And then maybe we'll go out for ice cream. Or play some pinball. It's not mandatory, but if you don't show up, I hate you.

Opening night...not so successful

- The model rocketry launch was a qualified success. We had one rocket, and Scott and Michael tested it about 30 minutes before opening ceremonies. It worked great. Unfortunately, they tested it near all the trees at the park so...yeah. Right now the Awesome Helicopter Ninjas rocket is about 50 feet up a tree at the North Hollywood Recreation Center.

- As expected, the launch of Awesome Helicopter Ninjas: Scary Ghost Edition was met mainly with confusion from the other teams. I don't think we did a good enough job of getting the whole "ghost" theme across to the other teams. But next week, the Space Ghost costume will be in full effect, and Michael will hopefully have time to tell the team a scary ghost story, so that should help.

- The raising of the championship banner and the handing out of the championship rings was pretty damn sweet, however. Everyone really seemed to appreciate it, and we all enjoyed showing them off to the other teams after the game to remind everyone that we are the defending champs.










- Which was good that we had that, since we lost 4-1 in the season opener to Uno Mas. Which frankly isn't that surprising because a) we always lose to Uno Mas (the only time we beat them was in the first season playoffs when they only had four girls, then had to forfeit after one of their girls was hurt during the game); b) we are always "slow starters" and c) out of 21 people there last night, around 2/3 were new players, while Uno Mas is almost entirely the same team of veterans from last season.

We gave up three runs in the first inning, which were pretty much attributible to new players making poor decisions. (Or in some cases, veterans who really should know better making poor decisions, but I won't name names.) Some of the new players are going to be really good once they understand the basic fundamental concepts. Bill (who we usually scrimmage with on Sundays) in particular is a beast - he was all over the place on defense, and led off the game with an infield triple a la Scott Jones.

I can't compare this team to the team that won the championship last season, because even though that was only a few weeks ago, it is a very different team. I think we're better now than we were at the start of last season, and that's encouraging. If we had been playing one of the four new teams instead of a veteran team like Uno Mas, we would have won pretty easily, I think.

Opening Night, Take II

Finally, it's opening night for the Spring 2006 season. Other than the super-secret surprise that I can't even talk about here, there is the usual percentage of Ninja hijinxs. Scott should have the AHN model rocket ready to go for an exhibition, and I have the championship rings ready to go for a ring ceremony before the start of the game. It should be a first-class display of ridiculousness - expect pictures tomorrow.

Then again, we might wind up forfeiting this week. We were already very short on females for tonight's game when Ashley decided it would be a good idea to sprain her ankle on Saturday while dancing in Santa Barbara to an 80s cover band. Cuttin' "Footloose" indeed - if by "loose" you mean "loosening the ligiments that connect her foot, ankle and lower leg".

But Ashley will play tonight because a) she's tough; b) she's as committed to the Ninjas as anyone and c) if we need a fourth player to be legal I'll force her to be out there, even if she has to use Scott's crutches from "The Miracle Play" and just stand in the field as a stationary target.

Regionals

Unfortunately, it looks like we won't be able to field a team for the WAKA Regionals in Los Angeles on June 10. Several of our females are out of town that weekend, and we can only get commitments from three females to show up for the Regionals. So, no Ninjas shenanigans on cable television. Oh well, that's how we like to do it anyway - underground. Also, it's kind of lame that we would play in Regionals, since we already clinched a spot in the World Championships by winning the Division Tournament. However, the Regional winner gets a $1,500 travel voucher to go to the World Championships (in Miami) while we get diddlypoo for winning our Division.

Sounds fair, right?

Opening Ceremonies update

Michael, Scott and I purchased championship rings on Saturday. And by "championship rings", I mean that it's going to be a surprise to what they are, and I don't want to ruin it for any Ninjas reading this blog. I can give a few hints, though:

- Chinatown
- Plastic
- Awesome

The model rocketry exhibition is...going OK? I mean, Scott did a great job with the actual rocket, and it looks great. The problem is that none of us have ever launched a model rocket before. This is either going to be lame or set the place on fire. But even if it's lame, it will be lame in a completely awesome way, so I'm not too worried.

Also, Ashley needs ideas for Theme Nights this season. For example, we play a game on June 19, which also happens to be:

- World Sauntering Day, which is so appropriate that I don't even know that we need to acknowledge it within the Division. We generally are pretty good at not jogging, running, etc. while we play, so perhaps we shouldn't encourage it even more.

- Garfield the Cat Day: players could eat a huge plate of lasagna each time they come to bat. And then I could punch everyone in the nose who participates in Garfield the Cay Day for having any association at all with the orange, flea-ridden menace of the cartoon pages.

- Juneteenth: while I'm all for celebrating the end of slavery in the United States (the official Ninja position: slavery is bad; working as an servant while learning secrets from your Master is, however, acceptable), I don't know that a Division that had three black players out of about 150 total players last season is really the best forum for it.

Although June 19th does fall on "Appreciate You Plumbing, Heating & Cooling Professionals Week". I wonder what a Ninja plumber is like. It must be tough to bill people,since you move so quickly and stealthly that they never know that you were under their sink fixing that clogged drain. Also, how would you wear a tool belt with a ninja outfit?

July is National Eye Injury Prevention Month. We should have a Theme Night where everyone is encouraged to wear their favorite type of protective eyewear. Which for me means one word: RecSpecs.

Pick up game

Because it was Memorial Day, we didn't have an official game yesterday. Instead, we had a leaguewide pick-up game. And by "leaguewide", I mean, four Ninjas, two Valley Girls and a couple of the Bookhouse Boys. Basically, the pick-up game turned into 30 minutes of kicking practice, followed by myself, Ashley, Michael and Scott going to El Torito for dinner. Yay margaritas!

So basically, I'm very disappointed in the Division's dedication so far. We had 40 people at a pick-up game on President's Day last season, and that was a) before the actual season began and b) in the dark, so we had to bring our own flashlights and candles to play.

I hope that the Opening Ceremonies is more enthusiastically welcomed by the rest of the Division.

Rain out

Yup, we were rained out last night, despite it having stopped raining at 1 p.m. Apparently, Orion (our WAKA rep) called the park early in the morning when it was still raining to check if the fields would be open that night. Michael did go to the fields later and report that they were pretty muddy and unplayable. However, the blessing is that we now have two extra weeks to plan our Opening Night crap (admittedly, we were too busy celebrating our Division Title to focus on the next season.) Needless to say, not one but two model rockets are being built as we speak.