Don't Fill Up On Bread

There is a moment that happens at buffet restaurants. It's a turning point. See, at first buffets are nebulous experiences. You're assaulted with steak and pie and maybe Cap'n Crunch. This is a metaphor, usually nobody throws food at you. But like a food fight, it's coming at you from all angles and you've got to decide where to start. Pace yourself and try a little of everything just don't fill up on bread.

If you pace yourself too long you'll reach the paradox of being full yet unsatisfied. It's like you've made so many good friends with cornbread, pasta salad and mashed potatos but never found that deep connection with barbecue ribs. Your experience is incomplete.

The same thing happens on pub crawls or in Las Vegas when you keep saying, "Oh, I'm going to have a drink later." Before you know it, it's Sunday morning or the last Redline train is heading back to North Hollywood and sure, you saved a couple of bucks, but you never got to that make-an-ass-of-yourself-in-public point that makes the experience worthwhile.

You've got to locate the moment right before the enormous nature of the experience lulls you to sleep. That's where you end your sampling and moderation. Kick the opening act off the stage and get to the main event. You've got to stand on a bar stool and say, "I'm having a shot of Goldschlager AND a Pabst Blue Ribbon, RIGHT NOW! (please)". Then head out onto Hollywood Boulevard to make some questionable decisions because that is the recipe for a moment worth remembering.

Take that as you will.