Ryan Dempster, Stud

I don't know if I have the authority to do such things, but I'm going to go out on a limb and name Ryan Dempster of the Chicago Cubs as the Official Baseball Player of The Awesome Helicopter Ninjas. Why? Because the Cubs' closer is apparently in training to be a Ninja.

My favorite part of the story?:

"'It's pretty cool. I wear the outfit around the house and try to sneak up on people,' Dempster deadpanned before the Cubs lost to the Colorado Rockies 4-2."

Which is kind of bullshit: why would you sneak up on people in your own house? If you aren't able to break into other people's houses and sneak up on them, then what kind of half-rate Ninja are you.

Proof that kickball players make better Ninjas than baseball players, I guess. Plus, I would think all the noise from the tobacco spit hitting the ground and the crotches being scratched would be a dead giveaway.

List of Beatles Song Titles if They Were Named After Major League Shortstops of the 1970s

• Dal Maxvill’s Silver Hammer
• Gene Alley You Need Is Love
  
• The Tim Foli on the Hill
• Everybody’s Got Something to Hide (Except for Me and Denis Menke)
• The Continuing Story of Bungalow Bill Russell
• Marty Perez My Dear
• Got to Get Larvell Blanks Into My Life
  
• Helter Mick Kelleher
• Lovely Rick Burleson (Meter Maid)
• Hey Ivan DeJesus
• Jimmy Sexton Sadie
• Bill Almon (Go To Him)
• Get Rick Auerbach
• And I Love Toby Harrah
• The Ballad of John and Kiko Garcia
• Being for the Benefit of Mr. Don Kessinger
• Freddie Patek is the Walrus
• Larry Bowa in the Sky with Diamonds
• Mean Mr. Rance Mulliniks
• Nelson Norman Wood (This Bird Has Flown)
• Polythene Pat Rockett
• Pepe Frias as a Bird
• Tom Veryzer Never Knows